shayden

returning home was something i couldnt quite prepare for...having to learn how to live again...and the separation from all those who shared your experiences with you. it hit me hard...harder than i could have ever imagined...and still, a year and a half later, i find myself struggling to face the world...afraid of crowds...living life on a short fuse...and unsure of whether the serena i knew before will ever return...

as strong of a family as your unit becomes, the loneliness of returning is a harsh reality. life seems to move on, unlike it did in iraq. i many times think life was so much easier over there...there was no time to grieve...no time to be sad...no time to think, just time to react.

here, i cant seem to fill enough of my time...idle time is the devil...my mind constantly wanders.

with everyone going their own way, loneliness is embedded in my soul....no one seems to get it. "oh, you were in iraq?!?...how was it!?!??" "it was a fucking vacation...i've bought land so i can retire there one day," is usually my response...sarcastic and harsh as it may seem... but really...how do you think it was?!? and do i want to talk to you about it, NO! because you won't get it...

and so it lives on....with me...in me...always. and i sit...in my little world, hoping no one who doesn't know, doesn't ask...

VietnamPT

You are right - no one gets it - unless you have been there. And even then, the wounds and scars are different. The Woman you knew is no longer the woman you are - sounding like a commercial - you are a much stronger and wiser woman than your peers shall ever be. I say that in a truth that I am only beginning to appreciate - 40 yrs after my return. The combat that you saw, was not the combat that I saw, yet life and death permeated every second. I still cover when unexpected loud noises happen!!At the same time, I recognize a backfire over gunfire. For your answer, try "It was the best of times and the worst of times" smile and change the subject because they will never get it. Try writing, recording, drawing, any outlet until you are ready to let someone help you heal. Once you come to that point of return, the rest of your life can begin. Keep in touch.

mom6

Yes you are right. No one will ever get what you went through. Everyone's experiences is different even if they are standing next to you but you made it through and you are here talking about it. It is the beginning of healing. Writing about it, talking to some one that has been there, doing something positive about it is the start. Keep doing that until you feel you can take the time to find a person that you can open to and let some of the pain and loneliness out. The girl that went to Iraq is no the same one that came back, but you are still here and it may take time and lots of hard work but you will/can make a life for you now. You need to work out how that you is now and you are doing a good job of doing that. Thank you for your service and thank you for letting me here about that service.
Take care and all my good thoughts are with you.

__________________
Leslie
Hugs and warm thought from Oregon

RakkChic

I still don't like crowds, either! As long as I'm talking to someone, or really focused on an event (like the inauguration), I can kinda do ok. But left to my own thoughts I get really freaked out, especially if there are people behind me and I can't tell what they're doing. And I still swerve to avoid trash in the road - after being home for 5 years!

When people ask "what was it really like" I get so irritated. I know they're just trying to be nice, I really do. But I also know that if I told them the truth, they would not be able to keep eating dinner or whatever. They don't really want to know about the burning shit and the bleeding of the injured.

In so many ways, things were simpler for me in Iraq. Everyone understood, and all I had to focus on was doing my mission - not paying the electric bill and remembering my PIN for my ATM card and taking the dog to the vet and calling my Dad once a week and worrying about everyone else's feelings and and and ..... It's just so exhausting, sometimes, to be an American!!

I'm thankful that there is a strong community developing where I can share these feelings with other vets, so that I know I'm not truly alone even when I feel isolated.

Insight

I feel your pain. What has helped me is realizing that those experiences are a part of me and my past. Those experiences have prepared me for my future; they do not define me in a negative way at all. Many people will not understand, some will. Many have said that Iraq is like home to them now. I understand this as well, but if you went back home it would not be the same. The same people would not be there, nor the same experiences. The past is your memories to carry with you and treasure; to learn from.

Don't tell people you were in Iraq, if that would help you feel comfortable. Some people like those war stories however. My grandfather told me a war story when I was only eight, as he stared off into his own mind. He told me the story, and he told it only once. I was told not to ask any questions. My grandfather was on USS Indianapolis when it was torpedoed by the Japanese. Did I get him, and understand his pain, yes I did. I have history books to answer my questions. Do share with other vets as your know they fully understand.

Loneliness is tough, but just keep trying and keep moving forward, no matter what. Set goals for yourself and work hard to reach them, no matter what.

In your anger remember to be a lady. Women like us have a lot to give this world. When you start to give of yourself you will start to feel better. If it helps, think of the people in this world who have it worse off than you; the people who have to live in Iraq, Darfur and the innocent in prison. If you start to give compassion to others, and count your blessings before you go to bed, trust me you will start to feel better.

May the spirit of gratitude be with you!

Let me know if I can help.

Jabber

You are so right that no one wants to listen; but I'm coming around to seeing that it isn't because they don't care or don't want to- they just aren't prepared with anything "pat" to say when you blurt something out. But, I have to say, I have had this happen to me before- when I was "just" a wife accompanying my husband overseas, when I came back all the locals didn't care what I saw overseas. They never left their county! This is particulary a problem with reservists/guards- we get plopped right back home out of the miltiary environment and WE have to fit in ---not them!

My best outlet has been writing! Here is a good link to understand what I mean: Veterans Voices Writing as Therapy. But basically, I recommend you open a new document about each "big" incident and write write write until you have nothing more to say on the topic- explore it fully. As you write, you may feel you are "reliving" the event, but when you are calmed down after, you will feel better than before. Write in as great a detail as you can- colors, smells, sounds. It is unbelievable what a relief this give--Just do it! Don't worry about spelling- you don't have to let anyone else ever see it.

shayden

insight - thank you for the encouragement and the advice. its funny because i know all you mentioned is true. and most of the time, your advice is what i try to live by.

i look back on my experiences and how they have changed me - rather than focus on the negative changes, i try to focus on how the war gave me incredible perspective on life - knowing that i am far beyond blessed in my life. however, at the same time i struggle with guilt - guilt for being alive while so many of our guys were killed. day by day though....

again, thank you!

jabber - your advice made me laugh...dont worry - it was in one of those ironic good ways!

i had been going to counseling at the VA for my PTSD. then, a few months ago i was given an assignment - the assignment was exactly what you suggested - writing in great detail about our experiences. i wasnt able to do it - and to this day, still havent written it. initially i avoided counseling following the assignment, but then went back a few times to try and work through why i cant write it.... basically my fear of reliving it all in that much detail....

i wish the 'just do it,' motto worked in this situation but there is this brick wall that seems to be fortified with all sorts of steel that is blocking me from writing. the only writing i do is on here and even here, i havent gone into the level of detail needed to let go...

one of these days though...one of these days!

again, great to know im not alone....

VietnamPT

You have started - the analogy I can think of is like a frozen pipe - it starts with a drip and then flows freely. The really nice thing about this site is that we were all there in one manner or another so there is no judgment in what you say. Keep trying - a little at a time and the frozen pipe will become a smooth flowing access to help. You can do it !!!!

womenRvets2

I was a frozen pipe for many years. In addition to that, I didn't have plan B for myself when I got out. I was a medic,and a soldier with not a clue as what to do if I was JUST a civilian. Then, after years of soul searching, I began to thaw out a bit. I remembered who I was and what I liked to do before I went in the Army. Creativity began to flow. My heart opened up and I let who I am back in. It takes some time to heal. Be kind to yourself while you do.

DogAsTherapy

WomenRVets2--the thaw you describe is eerie. I realized after my returns back to CONUS that I was changed and I wouldn't push myself into anything I didn't want to do. I got two dogs, fell in love with a wonderful man who truly understands me and am successfully holding down a good job. But spiritually I have been dead. I keep waiting for that Creative Woman to return, because she made so many wonderful things. I even tried to take a class hoping it would motivate me. But it was so forced and un-authentic. I feel like I've woken up after four years and I have three very important entities around me who I love so fiercly...but so isolated at the same time.

Any and all friends I had only make contact a few times a month (if that). I can't seem to make friends in the small midwestern town we moved to. I don't want to make friends truly. I go to cocktail parties and laugh and hold an audience, but at teh end of the evening, i don't find anyone I connnect with. And I withdraw further. Every time. Every social event. Every time I try to 'make' a friend, something happens and nothing...it makes me wonder after four years if it is really everybody? Or is it really me sabotaging myself?

If it were healthy to only rely on my husband and dogs, then I would be content for the rest of my life. But as VietnamPT referenced, combat has changed us into the women we are today. And while I try to put it out of my mind for a few hours during a party, the real story is that I don't/can't put it out of my mind while trying to connect with someone for the long term. And sometimes I think, 'Why should I? Don't you freaks know we have so many of our young people fighting a war half a world away? So how do you complain about celebrity gossip and other trivial crap?!"

Self-induced? I think. And most of me doesn't want to change.That is what worries me. I am getting stuck in a deeper cycle of isolation that I don't want to climb out of. I was the social butterfly and I fake the funk most days. But is my self-induced isolation ok? Do I need to force myself?