Overcoming MST -THE LONG ROAD!!!

LadiRoze · 02-01-2010, 12:57

I was sexually molested at the age of 11 by a neighborhood boy, who spent 10 days in juvenile. At age 17, I was raped by a guy that was a very good friend of mine, because I was stupid enough to drink at a party and not be able to protect myself. I suffered a ton of sexual harassment once I joined the military and then was assigned to my NG unit. We went on our 2 week summer training at Fort Hood and I had been suffering from allergies so I brought some Claratin D with me, we weren't there about 2 days when my Sgt. that was over my section, started touching me inappropriately. I tried to tell someone, but they wouldn't listen and I didn't see a way out of this, so I walked to my tent, took the whole bottle of Claratin D, fell asleep and woke up in the Medical Tent 16 hours later.
I was called into the CO's tent after I was released from medical. He had my mother on the phone and she said "What did you do? Did you not think about the family at home that loves you? What could have been so wrong, that you felt that was the only way out of it for you?"
So what I explained to her what was happening and that I had tried to tell someone about it and they did nothing, wouldn't even listen to me. She was furious and the company commander didn't stand a chance then, she asked to speak to him and that was that, I could hear her screaming at him from where I sat. I'm not sure what happened to my Sgt., but he gave me a very wide birth when I was around after that.
Then my unit gets called up to go to DS in 1990, and here I find myself facing a line of Psychiatrists, because of what had happened that previous summer. I passed their standard evals to make sure I wasn't suicidal. We arrived in country in January 1991 and I was one of the first to pull guard duty. The Sgt. that was over guard duty placed me in the basement with no other person down there and during on of his rounds, he Sexually Assaulted me. He told me that I better not tell, cause no one would believe me anyways. I knew he was right because of past experiences.
A few weeks later one of the girls in the unit confided in me that he had done the same thing to her, and then we found out there were 15 of us in total. We all wrote statements and turned them into out new Woman CO and she filed charges against him on our behalf. He was arrested sent back to states an d demoted.
My life was hell after that, I have suffered so much because of all of this, but especially the last attack, it was more of the straw that broke the camels back. I have since found out that all these years, 20 to be exact, that this still has an affect of everything that is me. I don't want it too, but I find if one of my male students comes up behind me, I get that all to familar freaky feeling, or if I am in a room with a male doctor, I am wondering when he will make his move, Walking down a treat in Austin is completely impossible for me to do alone.
But day by day I try and build my confidence in myself, build up my self-esteem, and be strong for my girls. Having given birth to 2 girls and thinking that they would face the things I did, I started being over protective to the point that I made us all hermits in our home, I have since woke up from that and seen how I was damaging their social behavior and causing them to be angry because I was afraid to let them out of my sight for fear that I could not protect them from the evil in this world.

A very wise person, told me that we need to overcome the situations in our lives, instead of letting them overcome us. Thanks Mom for those so true words, because of them I am on the road to recovering from this.

Railroad Momma · 02-01-2010, 16:29

Thank you so much for telling your story here on GAF. You represent many women who have undergone sexual abuse. We hear a lot about the physical aspect of sexual assault, but unfortunately, we do not equally get to hear about the psychological ramifications from this trauma. Your courage is apparent by your reporting the abuse to both the authorities and your family as well. Many traumatized women never speak of their abuse and suffer a life time of the effects this has over them. You have started the healing process and will in time come out ahead. Good luck with your continuing recovery. Again, thank you for sharing.
Laura

StellaDarlings · 02-04-2010, 23:46

The evidence is undisputed. Those who suffer childhood abuse are MORE LIKELY to develope PTSD as a result of adult Sexual Assault.

I hope you are educating yourself about the symptoms of PTSD, recognize that it is a permanent alteration in your brain biology and do NOT!! think that you are more or less ill than, say, a diabetic. This is a trauma that went untreated for many years, thus making it more a permanent part of who you are. On functional magnetic imaging, researchers are quite excited about how profound these chages are in the brain and other important studies are showing that one class of anti-depressants actually rebuild the shrunken part of the brain, hippocampus, that is affected by PTSD.

In other words, PTSD is a BRAIN disorder that can be treated.

Also, I hope you have won a claim from the VA for this disorder so that you can work less and take advantage of the time for therapy, not to mention enjoyments in life that are self-care, healthful, and self-loving so that you can show your daughters why caring for body and mind are the dual wings of self-esteem.

You are an inspiration! Alice

Frankly, I try to use humor about it. When I can.

LadiRoze · 02-05-2010, 22:53

Yes I have a 30% rating for PTSD secondary to Sexual Assault. It was VERY hard to prove the sexual assault even though it was documented. I guess they didn't want to admit that stuff like that happens and is allowed/over looked by most CO's.

My Girls know everything that happened to me, I am hoping that by sharing that with them that they will be more cautious in there own lives and not be as trusting as I was growing up. That was my biggest downfall as hard as that is to say. I used to think trust was one of our most valuable morals, but I don't think that way anymore, because this society has breed up untrustworthy people.

Thanks you for the encouraging words, they do mean a lot, and yes I am proud of the progress I have made. When I look back at all I have been through it is a wonder that I am not in a Mental Hospital over all of it.

God is my best counselor

he works wonders if you just ask.

rv1978semperfi · 02-08-2010, 19:55

I'm sorry, but I have 50% rating on PTSD. You should of gotten more. 30% is not enough for what you or any of us had gone through. You deserve more.

wrench wench · 02-08-2010, 20:20

Thank you for posting Lady Roze. I can appreciate your situation. I have a claim pending with the VA. It sucked then and it sucks now. What really gets/got me was that I trusted that we who shared the uniform had each others backs...if I pulled my weight and did the same job,etc...I was part of the unit. Not. Band of "brothers" is right. Anyone on the outside was open to attack. I am sure the guy who raped me and those who assaulted me on the flightline didn't think there was anything wrong with what they did. That is what women were in the military for. Am I cynical? You betcha! PTSD paranoid? Hella yes! I cannot imagine the courage you must have to raise daughters...walking the fine line between paranoia and protection. Blessings to you.

eagleheart · 02-09-2010, 09:37

I have shared some pain on this thread and found that sisters have responded back with words that gave me alot of strengh to deal with the day.

DAR-Rep · 02-15-2010, 16:02

Hi Ladies,

I'm not a Veteran. I'm a VA Volunteer working with returning Veterans to help with the transition, mostly with finding a decent job. There is a connection between being molested as a child by family members and being assaulted by the people who are supposed to have your back in the service. There's the assault and the horrible betrayal. For more than half of my life (I'm 68) I thought there was "something wrong with me."

Now, I don't see PTSD as "something wrong." I believe it's our system functioning properly at the most primitive level. We know what it is to be threatened and our defense system knows how to kick in when we perceive a subsequent threat. We just need to be able to tell the real threats from the mistakes.

It cost me a great contract job once when, after a very successful interview over dinner, the interviewer drove me back to my apartment and parked between a truck/camper and a moving van, headed into a space with a very high fence at the end. The lights were not on in the parking lot. I got out of the car but he was coming around to open the door for me. I went from trapped to fight or flight to full out panic to the realization that it was inappropriate in only a second or two and hoped that he didn't see it in the dark but he saw the whole thing and was backing away as fast as he could, evidently having made the flight decision for himself. Needless to say, I didn't get the job and didn't really "get" what had happened for a while.

I think you'll be happy if a real threat comes along and you know how to deal with it because your "defense systems" have been awakened. Most people don't need to use their defense system and it just sits in the background for their whole lives. It's just the ability to sort out the real and not so real that might take some time.

btw, I told both my son and my daughter, when they started school, that if they ever thought what an adult was doing was wrong they should go to the principal. The janitor at my daughter's nursery school told her he'd kill me if she told anyone what he did to her. She wound up reporting him when she saw him taking another little girl to the basement and he died of a heart attack a couple days later. It was years before I knew that she was molested by the janitor she reported and years before she knew he died of a heart attack.

StellaDarlings · 02-17-2010, 01:04

And what connection is there with childhood trauma and Military Sexual Trauma?

1. As a kid, you don't choose who is your family nor those around you. You are in a world provided to you by the adults in your life. Your harm is in not knowing what is going on. Often not having a lexicon to describe what has happened.

2. As a member of the military, you have CHOSEN where you are, what branch you are in, what world you have entered. You know, as a female, that it is a male-dominated world and expect to have to prove yourself. The sense of belonging, through training, through familiarity, creates a deep bond for most women. Women who take their oath and duty seriously and doing their time meritoriously.
When you are betrayed by your "brothers" and it's sometimes covered up by female comrades, the devastation is thorough.
You cannot leave the job, you cannot change duty, and you can't move away. You are in a constant state of terror. You have been betrayed by those in your midst and those people are TRAITORS.
Lastly, if you tell, your career is FINI. Done. Stick a fork in it and crawl away in (often) a life of silent shame.
I just finished a woman veteran's claim today. 16 years she shut her mouth. She just told her husband. The whole family's in chaos. Drinking. Drugs. All because she didn't want to embarass the Marine Corps. She didn't want to dishonor her sisters and brothers who had nothing to do with it. She bore the shame in silence and the code among Marines to Honor, Courage, and Committment to the Corps that she swore to.
Well, she doesn't think that today.

So, the connection between childhood sexual assault and MST is poetic symmetry.

I hear what you say and what you mean and it's painful to hear any story about a child who has had to fear telling. 1/4 of us probably know this...

I do wish you well. Alice

LadiRoze · 02-17-2010, 12:26

I have to agree Stella, there is no connection other than the fact that it has already made you vulnerable to predators.

My MST was so much worse than the two childhood assaults that I had. Way Way Way worse. I really felt betrayed by the person that was supposed to have my back. The person that should have been looking out for a younger sister because he had been in longer than I. But, no he decided to betray my trust that he was there to help watch over me. Thats the worst kind of betrayal.