A Dear Friend of Mine

Railroad Momma · 04-22-2009, 07:32

I didn't experience MST while in the Army (just the usual sexual harrassment)

, but a good friend of mine did. This trauma affected her so deeply that today she still has a hard time dealing with men.

We were both involved in a healing process through VA called The Closeline Project. Since April is sexual assault month, we were asked to participate in this process by creating a t-shirt with our own creative touches describing what sexual assault meant to each of us. Her shirt displayed a military uniform of the Coast Guard ravaged by her rape from the hands of her NCO. Mine showed the effects of a shattered self-image by sexual assault. It was a wonderful healing process and the different displays of emotions touched by the these traumatic events was apparent in the more than 25 shirts created by women veterans. My hope for all women vets who have suffered from MST is that the healing process begins for each and every one of you. My sincere best wishes in that endeavor.

mom6 · 05-15-2009, 18:59

I have been there and done that and do not want the tee shirt. Make a t-shirt about it sounds interesting but not sure that is what I would want to do. If it helped with healing process then I am all for it. I am still trying to deal with the side affects from constantly having to be on my guard and not be caught a lone if the NCO that attacked me was in the building and still do the job that I had too. Then put on top of that I had to do that job even better then my male counterparts because I had to prove that I was able to handle a mans job. Every time I think I have a handle on it I find that it slaps me in the face again and I begin again trying to put it all behind me.

Railroad Momma · 05-15-2009, 19:25

My friend was not only sexually assaulted while in the military, but as a young child as well ( by her own father). She continues to be haunted by both to this very day, but is working on it. She was going to an MST group at the VA and also receiving individual counseling for it. My sexual trauma was in the form of incest when I was a child and only sexual discrimination as an adult. So, I can't imagine being raped- what a horrific trauma to have to go through. My heart goes out to anyone with this type of trauma and I wish all these women peace with their past in the form of whatever therapy works for them.

Laura

LadyVet · 07-16-2009, 06:20

I served in Desert Shield/Desert Storm. I am a MST survivor. What ever that means. I served my first tour in the 80s. I thought the sexual harrassment was an anomole, (probably mispelled) not the norm. So I rejoined with a National Guard Unit that was on its way over.

I still don't have full recollection of my attack. Only bits and fragments come back in the form of flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, and nightmares.

What haunts me even worse was not being able to save the younger women from the same fate. I didn't know I had been raped until well after I returned home. But I knew they had been and it ate me up alive. I had given them my word to protect them. I was older and most of the young ones called me Mom. I probably nightmare more about not being able to protect the others as I do my own experience.

I don't know what the healer is... but I am almost certain it is NOT a
T-shirt. No matter how cleverly designed.

I have been through the VA's earliest attempts at womens groups and mental health sevices. Boy were those a disaster! The woman in charge basically blamed us all for our rapes because we had volunteered to join the military and she was smart enough to know better. Truly was not a helpful experience.

I have been further traumatized and attacked with in several VA clinics and hospitals. It makes it really difficult to go to the doctor. I make my husband go with me. If doesn't go, I won't set foot in a VA without an escort. The VAs treated sexual trauma and harrassment just as the military did.... you bad woman... are your trying to ruin that attacker's, I mean veteran's pursuit of healing??? Craziness!!!

I am beginning to think that it never goes away. It has been nearly 2 decades for me and the wounds are just as fresh as they were in 91. I am still uncomfortable (very nice word considering the feelings) around male veterans. The first thing I do when some guy tells me he is a vet is to look him up and down and wonder if he is a rapist.

After 18 years since the war, I have my first male vet friend. He is a poet and an activist for peace. I write poetry too. He has encouraged me to write poetry about my military experience and to publish a book. So I am working on that now. He and I are very close. But that doubt is never far away.

Vets Journey Home is helpful. I have gone through the weekend as a participant. I have also volunteered at several weekends. You may want to visit the website. www.vetsjourneyhome.org I highly recommend this program for anyone who has been to war!!! They make sure women are protected and respected.

I don't know if this helps or not. But if nothing else, I know where you are coming from and hope it is helpful in some way. I still desire to help others, but most the time I don't even know how to help myself. I just drive myself to exhaustion hoping to be able to sleep.

God Bless You and Take Care!

LadyVet

Grullogal · 07-20-2009, 06:41

You are not alone as you can see. Thank you for sharing that website. I see that there is one coming to my area, I'll have to check that out. Glad to see other DS vets here.

rv1978semperfi · 07-20-2009, 23:15

I only served four years in the Marine Corps and witnessed so many gender discrimination. I myself was rapped... It's hard for me to sometimes talk about it but I manage to get through it. To sleep I have difficulties doing and my mind tends to wonder a lot. My stress level is super high, like I'm getting ready for another attack from the opposite gender. The only man I fully trust is my husband. He has been there for me through my darkest dreams, through my tantrums, through everything. I'm still a roller coster at times and yet I find myself standing up to those who do me wrong. I too don't trust the VA clinic. I only have one OBGYN I see and even he understands my pain.

I still am unsure of myself and I eat so much to comfort myself. I don't know, I just don't know sometimes.

Ive seen so much, I may not been to war but it seems like being a woman is like going to war....

I'm a full time student again with five kids and a loving husband by my side. With out them I think I would go crazy after all that I've gone through. My major is in Criminal Justice, I guess I want to bring justice to those men who take advantage of woman.

That is all for now....

shayden · 07-24-2009, 20:23

way to go after justice! good luck with your degree and all you continue to do...

many ladies on here have been through various experiences, to include rape. its so inhumane, it makes me sick - yet i am proud of you and all others for fighting through it...

i cant stress how important it will be for you to go to counseling - and if you have been and werent feeling it, it was probably not the right fit. as someone else mentioned - relationships with counselors need to be as tight as those involving love. but i know from prior life experiences that it is often healing to talk to a professional...

glad you are able to share your story here - that is EXACTLY what this site is for. i hope you can connect with others who have similar experiences...together, healing is possible.

rv1978semperfi · 10-12-2009, 22:25

ever since the Corps and all i have experienced i found myself having the lack of confidence the unsure of being able to voice the true answer of what I want to answer. I don't understand? i feel stuck yet again! i know what I want to say but it comes out the wrong way. also, i get so nervous to ask questions yet i am not afraid to defend myself, i don't understand. i want to be strong again, i want to help others but how can i when i'm so unsure of myself, how can i with the lack of confidence and this black cloud hanging over me? how? how do you guys do it?

Railroad Momma · 10-12-2009, 23:14

You are probably unsure of yourself as a symptom of being raped and dealing with the injustice within the military. (We) do it (become sure of our selves) over much time. You have to be gentle with yourself and let time heal the wounds along with therapy and gentle people in your life. Unfortunately, most women are born with the message that their uncertainty comes along with being female. You may remember the saying, "women have the perogative to change their minds" and women are fickle. It is this gender discrimination and stereotyping that begins the uncertanty in our lives. Give yourself time and you have to practice- by maybe writing down what you want or what you want to ask. This won't happen over night, but will require some positive reinforcement over time. The cloud overhanging above you will diminish in time...be patient. Good luck with everything.

Laura

rv1978semperfi · 10-13-2009, 22:12

Thank You Laura, I do need to take time with all I had gone through but time isn't what I have at the moment. With five kids, I worry about their future. I guess I do need to get into therapy again. I'm affraid I might fall into depression again. About a year and a half ago I fell into a depression, a really bad one. I wanted to take my own life because I wanted all the pain of remembering to go away. I was so unstable with everything around me, the pressure, the everything, the feeling that I'm not going to be good enough for my kids. When I become stressed it's a trigger for my memories and I hate it. I hate it so much... I just wish I could end sometimes. it's getting better now but i'm afraid of it all comming back and as a result I fall into a depression. i feel comforted to come here and speak my mind and to see i get a response makes me feel good inside. I feel like I'm gripping at times but I need to get it off of my chest. I know it was stupid of me to want to take my own life that is why I realized I needed help and I got it. I love my family and I never want to harm them that way and I have goals but at time I find it so hard to reach. Thank YOu for listening and being there for me.

Regina